Meet Andrew.*
He’s a remarkably successful pastor.** After joining a medium-sized church in a large city, he has overseen exponential growth. He’s launched several church plants, his team has more than doubled, and each week he receives requests from all over the world to speak. In fact, in the past six months, he’s been away as often as he’s been at home.
When he strolls forward to speak on a Sunday, they hang on his every word. The church is packed. They absolutely love him. It all looks wonderful. But there’s just one problem.
Inside, he’s dying.
Meet Steven.*
Steven’s churches—he oversees various tiny rural congregations—haven’t grown for years. In fact, they’ve been shrinking. His response has been to work harder. He’s running more courses and events, doing more talks, more training. There hasn’t been a huge bump in the numbers, but he’s hopeful. However, there’s something much more significant. He has the same problem as Andrew.
Inside, he’s dying.
As odd as it might sound, Andrew and Steven have the same problem.
They talk about Jesus a lot, but they’re struggling to talk to Jesus.
It’s a common problem at both ends of the ‘success’ spectrum. And that’s why it has the potential to affect any church leader.
Leaders spend a lot of time talking about Jesus. They do this every time they preach a sermon. This is right and good. They do this when they train others and when they run evangelistic events. Again, all good. They do this when they discuss theology with people in their congregation, answering questions and helping them understand what God is like.
Lots and lots of talking about.
So, a crucial question is, ‘What are we doing when we’re talking about Jesus?’
The answer depends on context. If you’re a lecturer at a theological college, the answer has to do with the passing on of knowledge. The students must write essays and pass exams. Therefore, knowledge of the content is central to the task of a lecturer.
Not so the church leader.
Certainly, knowledge is important, but amassing knowledge is not the central aim. Indeed, when the apostle Paul outlines a pastor’s job in his letter to the Ephesians (4.12-13), he talks about ‘equipping the saints for works of service.’ And if you consider what a pastor is trying to achieve, verbs like ‘grow’, ‘disciple’ and ‘shepherd’ come to mind. Even when we think of the word ‘teaching’, its purpose is to help a person grow in their faith.
Simply accumulating knowledge is not the goal. Becoming like Jesus is.
That’s growth. That’s the description of a disciple.
What has this to do with Andrew and Steven?
Well, they are both struggling with their inner lives. When they sit and talk to Jesus in the quiet of their hearts, they are both unsettled. They feel distant and they are stressed. They’re not at peace. And so instead of facing the problem head on, they get up and ‘do more talking about’. They opt for tasks they know they can accomplish. Instead of true intimacy with Jesus, they focus on cerebral tasks at which they excel. Like preparing talks. Essentially, they run away from the problem.
Does any of this sound familiar?
THE LIFE OF THE MIND IS IMPORTANT
Before you think I’ve turned into an anti-intellectual, I haven’t. The life of the mind is extremely important in forming disciples, so I would never wish to downplay the importance of teaching, nor the precise thinking necessary to understand and defend our deepest theological convictions.
But this isn’t about theology. It’s about what happens when a leader’s inner life of faith hits a dry patch. Prayer becomes a struggle. So, back to the question.
What are we doing when we’re talking about Jesus?
We’re cultivating followers of Jesus. We’re helping our people to see Jesus more clearly, follow him more nearly, and love him more dearly, as the song goes. And if that’s our goal, it cannot be achieved if we’re not doing these things ourselves. We can’t see, follow or love Jesus if we’re not spending time with him regularly and fruitfully. A quick five minutes at the beginning of the day isn’t enough. It’s not nearly enough, and deep down, we all know it. Once the talk coming out of our mouths stands in contrast to our own spiritual reality, not only will we develop imposter syndrome, but we’ll feel guilty, stressed, and well, as I put it earlier, we’ll start to die.
TIME OFF
I hope my description of Andrew or Steven is a long way from your own experience. The truth, however, is that any pastor can find themselves in trouble, struggling for intimacy with God. I wonder where you are today as you read this. Could it be that you’ve started to compensate for your lack of intimacy by attempting to please God with external activity? Like talks, sermons, training, meetings? If so, what are the possible solutions? Here are some suggestions.
Take a sabbatical. If it’s available.
Go on a retreat.
Meet with your accountability group and seek prayer.
Meet with a wise person (or persons) who can provide insight and suggest ways forward.
Seek professional help (from a believer).
All of these might help at various times. But often we’re trying to answer a different question. ‘Can I re-ignite my inner life of faith at the same time as doing a busy job as a pastor?’ Or ‘How bad is too bad?’
I’m not sure you’re the best judge of that. We are all prone to self-deception. Andrew and Steven have clearly told themselves it’s all okay as long as they keep working. So, Andrew will almost certainly keep going until the wheels fall off. He may have a breakdown, or he may simply look in the mirror one day and then walk off into the sunset. Steven will probably retire early. It’s just too disheartening to work for little reward, and even more discouraging when the joy has left one’s spiritual life.
This is all to say, talk to someone sooner rather than later. Don’t pretend everything’s fine when in your heart of hearts, you know something’s badly awry. Don’t tell yourself you’re swimming in the deep when in reality, you’re bumping along in the shallows and the water is running out.
You don’t need me to tell you that being a leader is hard. Since it’s formed of a web of interlocking relationships, it can be very stressful at times. People are fickle. Easily disappointed. Often demanding. It’s simply not possible to cope with all the external stresses unless you are tightly connected to Jesus.
Spending time with him should be a balm. To meditate on the Scriptures, hearing him speak to you, and then talk to him about all your troubles—this should lift your spirit.
The love of God is a deep well, a resource that has endless capacity to soothe your troubled soul. The Lord Jesus has endless patience with you. He is the Father welcoming the prodigal, the Saviour giving Zacchaeus a helping hand as he steps down from the tree, the one who responds with grace towards Peter as they sit together round a charcoal fire.
The Lord is all of these things and he loves you. Not your work. Not your numbers. Not your measure of ‘success’.
Just you. He loves you.
So don’t just talk about Jesus. Talk to him. Every day, and as often as you can during the day.
He loves to spend time with you.
He loves you.
*Both Andrew and Steven are fictional characters.
** Pastor here represents any title assigned to a church leader.